What I do to myself

There is so much going on in my head.  I feel summer coming to a close, and I feel like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum not wanting it to be over.  I have disgust in me over the thought of being here for another winter.  It's like watching the life slowly drain out of me.  When did what's really important to me become last on my list?  I feel like I'm trying to approach my life from a broken place, and that's why my life looks so broken.  There's so much I would change, and it seems so impossible to get out of where I am.  When I read that I have everything I need right here, right now, and that I already am who I want to be, it makes me want to scream!  My mind doesn't get it, doesn't understand, and there are so many voices in my head that say I can't, that's not being responsible, I don't have enough money, I don't have enough time, what will others think...  I want to tell them to shut up because they are making me feel so bad.  Perhaps one of the most agonizing things is to be aware of choices I could make, and somehow just not being able to make them. And oh the shame of little things I know I could be doing for myself and don't!  It's not a wonder that when I began writing this one of the first things I wanted to say was I want to go unconscious.  And yet, I wrote this in a Starbucks, crying, and not feeling embarrassed about it at all.  It's a testament to how far I've come.

One moment of a day

Ever find yourself pausing for a suspended moment where it doesn't matter what came before or what's coming after?  It's like, this is my life in clear truth.  In all honesty, it isn't as bad as I might sometimes think it is.  It's not about the money or the unfulfilling job.  I am beyond grateful to have at least one person in my life that when I look at them, I just see love looking back.  I am so grateful to have a whole community around me that loves and supports me.  This love looking back at me is a sign to me of how I am beginning to love myself.  Looking back on myself, it's crazy to see the silly things I've told myself and even believed.  I am being birthed anew.  There is fear about letting go of the past, or believing that everything will be alright in the future.   Yet, trying to go back to the way things were doesn't feel good anymore.  It's like while releasing weight, you find yourself between pants sizes.  Nothing quite fits...yet.

Am I really done?

I find myself telling myself that I'm done with things.  Done with my current job, done with a relationship, done with my life as it is right now, but am I really?  I find myself saying it in efforts to stir things up.  There has been a general dissatisfaction with my life right now, and yet to think of actually doing something about it, something real, makes me just want to stay where I am.  I have had a couple reminders lately of how my life used to be...how I used to be.  They came in the form of the song "Breakaway" and in the movie "Southbounders".  I used to be willing to just take a risk, take a chance, and my life was just getting good.  It was spiraling better and better.  Yet, I don't know how to live it here, now.  Living in Wisconsin feels like chains on my spirit.  I long for simplicity, but have been surrounded by chaos.  How did I get from living in ultimate, breath-taking reality to being so numb? I feel like half myself. Honestly, I doubt and fear that the actions I think I need to take won't make any difference, or perhaps may even find me worse off.  I am reminded of something I read: we convince ourselves that known pain is somehow better than unknown pain.

A moment of Peace

I just feel so much peace right now.  I feel a new connection with my body.  While I was running at the gym today, I could feel the strength in my legs. In some ways it feels so foreign, and yet I feel like this new me is breaking through.  I feel much more at peace with that part of my life right now.  I suppose this moment of inspiration is helped along by the beauty of this day.  It is one of those days where the air feels thick with peace, and joy and beauty.  The idea of overindulgence is a faraway thought in this moment because there is no sense of lack.  One thing that has come to mind, that was part of the motivation to write this, is the idea of the pictures I created for my classmates.  I was telling myself there wasn't enough time to do them and complete my assignments for school, but I felt the importance of them and so I dismissed the thought.  If I hadn't done those photos, so many of my classmates would have missed that moment of beauty and whatever the pictures might be for them in the future.  So that's why I sit here writing this, when I know I need to complete my exam.  Some things, some moments, are just too important to pass up.

It's getting good...

Is it strange that I feel a kind of giddy excitement about going on to 2nd year?  It's like finally! This is being said after 2 straight hours of focusing on finishing my final exam.  I'm excited to be writing on here again, though inspiration has begun to leave me after staring at papers.  I've been thinking about where my life is going to go this next year.  My thought as I've been working today has been, what do I really want to go for?  How do I go into 2nd year without a strong goal to work toward?  Anything less is doing myself a disservice.  I know 2nd year has such powerful potential. Then, honestly, there is this part of myself that is questioning what I thought I wanted.  I know there are things that are important to me, like travel.  I also know that travel can be an escape for me (that doesn't really work).  So, I am left wondering what really is important to me? What is my heart's true desire?  What will bring me true and lasting joy and happiness?  I can make up all sorts of nice sounding answers to that, but I'm done with stories now.  My little mind doesn't have the answer.  I'm ready to ask the big Mind, and I think I just may be ready to do what is requested. ...deep breath...

In a Starbucks at 10 at night...

I find myself sitting in a Starbucks feeling so compelled to write. I've been working on my final exam, reading about the Law of Manifestation, and I found myself thinking about the life I desire to have. The images are like pieces of a puzzle floating in my head, and I don't quite see yet how they fit together. I can barely even see the big picture. How do you put it out there and ask for something that you can't even really grasp? I look at my life right now and it almost makes me want to cry. Everything is almost good. Everything is waiting on something, waiting for my life to really begin. I guess the truth is I've settled. I've settled for what was comfortable for me. I have a comfortable romantic relationship. I have a fairly comfortable job (I almost laugh to say that, but it is at least familiar and I know what to expect). It does challenge me in some ways, yet I know that I have not been living up to my full potential. I have a comfortable living situation, and I've managed to create a financial situation that has lulled me into thinking I have no choice but to stay where I am. It seems sometimes that what I read is so at odds with what I feel to be true in my life. Looking at this next year at school, there is some fear about not being able to make it, about having to re-create another year, yet it is not exactly what it seems to be. I fear it more because it would mean my life still wouldn't have started. Still waiting...