What I do to myself

There is so much going on in my head.  I feel summer coming to a close, and I feel like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum not wanting it to be over.  I have disgust in me over the thought of being here for another winter.  It's like watching the life slowly drain out of me.  When did what's really important to me become last on my list?  I feel like I'm trying to approach my life from a broken place, and that's why my life looks so broken.  There's so much I would change, and it seems so impossible to get out of where I am.  When I read that I have everything I need right here, right now, and that I already am who I want to be, it makes me want to scream!  My mind doesn't get it, doesn't understand, and there are so many voices in my head that say I can't, that's not being responsible, I don't have enough money, I don't have enough time, what will others think...  I want to tell them to shut up because they are making me feel so bad.  Perhaps one of the most agonizing things is to be aware of choices I could make, and somehow just not being able to make them. And oh the shame of little things I know I could be doing for myself and don't!  It's not a wonder that when I began writing this one of the first things I wanted to say was I want to go unconscious.  And yet, I wrote this in a Starbucks, crying, and not feeling embarrassed about it at all.  It's a testament to how far I've come.