One moment of a day

Ever find yourself pausing for a suspended moment where it doesn't matter what came before or what's coming after?  It's like, this is my life in clear truth.  In all honesty, it isn't as bad as I might sometimes think it is.  It's not about the money or the unfulfilling job.  I am beyond grateful to have at least one person in my life that when I look at them, I just see love looking back.  I am so grateful to have a whole community around me that loves and supports me.  This love looking back at me is a sign to me of how I am beginning to love myself.  Looking back on myself, it's crazy to see the silly things I've told myself and even believed.  I am being birthed anew.  There is fear about letting go of the past, or believing that everything will be alright in the future.   Yet, trying to go back to the way things were doesn't feel good anymore.  It's like while releasing weight, you find yourself between pants sizes.  Nothing quite fits...yet.

Am I really done?

I find myself telling myself that I'm done with things.  Done with my current job, done with a relationship, done with my life as it is right now, but am I really?  I find myself saying it in efforts to stir things up.  There has been a general dissatisfaction with my life right now, and yet to think of actually doing something about it, something real, makes me just want to stay where I am.  I have had a couple reminders lately of how my life used to be...how I used to be.  They came in the form of the song "Breakaway" and in the movie "Southbounders".  I used to be willing to just take a risk, take a chance, and my life was just getting good.  It was spiraling better and better.  Yet, I don't know how to live it here, now.  Living in Wisconsin feels like chains on my spirit.  I long for simplicity, but have been surrounded by chaos.  How did I get from living in ultimate, breath-taking reality to being so numb? I feel like half myself. Honestly, I doubt and fear that the actions I think I need to take won't make any difference, or perhaps may even find me worse off.  I am reminded of something I read: we convince ourselves that known pain is somehow better than unknown pain.